Much has changed over the last 6 months. We’ve jumped ship from Orlando to a small coastal town. We’ve both had job shifts. We sold our giant house for a cramped upstairs apartment in an 1850’s home. Did you know they didn’t have closets back then? I’ve donated a lot of stuff. We sold both our cars for one SUV. Some people have called us crazy, and they might be right. But, you know what? We’re doing something. We found ourselves at 25, feeling stuck – and to be honest, pretty defeated. In a rut, at 24? Just 1 year married? That can’t be good. I know, it’s not what I imagined. We felt the tug of God telling us to make a move, not an easy thing for a girl who has only known Orlando. Not that I love Orlando, but it’s all I’ve known. Until now.
As silly as it may sound, I was watching Hart of Dixie on Netflix last night and a quote from the most unlikely of sources hit me. For those of you who don’t watch it (which is probably most), Wade is kinda the “low-life” of this small southern town. Zoey is the NYC doctor who inherits a family practice office from her, unknown to her, biological father – needless to say, it’s not the life she imagined. I could probably give you a full biography of all the characters, but that’s not the point! Here’s the quote:
Wade: Sometimes I just think you’re just the saddest person in the world. You’re always looking over your shoulder wondering what life should be instead of taking it for what it is. You’re not honest about what makes you happy. You what I’m going to do tonight, I’m going to go home and play video games for two or three hours.
Zoey: Oh, good for you. Dream big.
Wade: What I’m not going to do is beat myself up for playing video games instead of saving the world. If I wanted to save the world, hell, I’ll do it tomorrow.
Zoey: If you have time between video games.
Wade: EXACTLY! Cause it’s my choice. Just like it was your choice to stay in Bluebell, just like it was your choice to be a G.P. instead of a super sonic space surgeon or whatever. Clearly something about everyone of those choices make you happy. The problem is they don’t match up with the picture you made up in your head about what your life should be.
Anyone get it? Eh, maybe you don’t know me well enough. That’s alright. I guess I had this image of what life in your mid-twenties was like. I imagined it was pretty awesome, easy even. It has had some really awesome moments. But it’s been much more difficult than I ever thought it would be. Getting married – totally awesome. Rescuing Roux, amazing. The food, oh my goodness. There is a lot of good. But in between that is 20-somethings that are so lost and confused because for the first time there is no right way in practical terms. This is still a very hard concept for me. I’ve (for the most part) done what I was supposed to do my whole life. Get good grades, stay active, work hard, go to college, buy a car, get a job, marry a good man, rescue a dog… you get the point. All good and great things. I guess in my mind, it was easy sailing after that? Check, check, check. A++. You’ve graduated to adulthood, the rest will be smooth sailing. I felt like I had been gliding since I was a teenager, sure I made choices… but it all seemed to fall into place, because I always had a path of some sort. Then I hit 24 and all the sudden – I felt lost. I loved my job, but it started defining me – and I didn’t want that to be my definition. Maybe because I had for a long time been convinced I would be Dr. Rachel Bowen or maybe Rachel Gassen with a set of twins… neither of which were happening anytime soon. Then my husband started talking of moving, even internationally. And I started freaking out. That’s not right! We have a house, we have jobs, we have an adorable pup, we have a great church, and friends! Well.. surely enough, God in the form of our very nice realtor friend knocked on the door. Everything started rolling, I was scared and nervous, but excited.. because I, like my husband, was feeling a change coming on. And I let go a little bit of my ideal life. Then we chose this quaint cramped apartment and I loosened up a little bit more. Andrew and I are closer than ever, and pushing each other individually to be the best version of our true selves. I’ve had moments of struggle the past few months, wondering what I’m “supposed” to be. We can’t have kids yet, so cross Mommy off the list. I enjoy cooking, but can I find a place that I fit? What about a nanny?! then I could use my weird toy box of talents to use! If only I got into PT school, right? (Bad thoughts Rachel!) Looks like I’ll be a cook for now, and that’s okay…for now 🙂 I’m dabbling in some Etsy entrepreneurship as well, just for fun.
Point is… sometimes what right isn’t what may seem “right”. This isn’t what I pictured for my life, but I’m happy. Andrew and I made a very hard decision to move to a (while beautiful and super charming) place on a God feeling. We’d been feeling we were supposed to move for months, and when it came time to pull the trigger – this was the only place that worked. So, we jumped – as scary, and as crazy as it seemed. And we love it here, and if we’re blessed enough to stay here – I think we will. But you know what? If we don’t, that’s okay too. We’re only 25 after all, it’s unlikely that we’re going to have kids as soon as I thought – which is totally okay. We’re on a journey of self discovery, a journey of finding what God has in store for us. Maybe this little beach town is our mission field, maybe it’s our basic training.
Everything is going to be okay, because on this side of eternity – there really isn’t a home. To some that statement might be depressing, but to me it’s Hope.